My Go-To for Making Big Decisions

The tool that has helped the most at crossroads in life

This week I have shared with you some of the knowledge I’ve gained on the topic of decision making.

It is an important theme, and one that I have said before, is one of the most important skills we as human beings can learn. Especially this day-in-age. I think it’s something that needs to be emphasized in schools in a very different way than it is now.

I didn’t come easily to the knowledge of effective decision making. I used the affirmation of others to guide my decisions for so long, and even when I felt I knew what decision I wanted to make, I couldn’t make it without asking several people and hoping for them to confirm my choice. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t make the decision I had thought was best. I went with what the majority of people told me. Or what the last person I talked to told me. And, I was left in the internal turmoil that ensues when one knows what one wants to do, but doesn’t do it. Or, that comes when we make decisions for others instead of ourselves.

I am still learning. But, I am more confident in my abilities now than I was previous to my work in therapy. I know now that decision making is a skill we learn, and not a natural, innate ability.

Learning the skill has improved my quality of life soooo much.

The reality is, when we learn this skill, we empower ourselves to live lives in which we feel fully alive.

Why? Because we are aware of the why behind our decisions. We are actually the author of our decisions, and we can make ones that support us living the way we really want to live.

I enjoy myself, my life and my circumstances so much more than I did before building this skill. I can feel calm as I move forward in life, knowing I processed the information necessary to make the best decision I could in the moment, and where I am standing now is a result of my own previous decisions about where I wanted to be in life.

The tool I am going to share with you today has been one of the most impactful ones during important moments of my life.

That tool is a weighted pros-and-cons list.

I used this recently when choosing a new phone to purchase here in Spain after not having bought a new one in more than five years! I also made one when processing the decision to move to Spain last fall.

So, what is a weighted pro-and-con list and how does it work?

Well, first, as you might infer, one lists the pros and cons of choosing one route. And, the pros and cons of choosing another.

The weighted part comes into play when we think about the quantity of items on each side of the list. Some might say, well if one has more pros than cons, then that’s the decision you should make.

Well first of all there is no should. I hate the word should. You make the decision you feel lines up best with you, your desires and goals, your gut. Not the one you think you should.

But, I digress. (I’m very passionate about this hating the word should thing).

The point is, the quantity of pros vs cons isn’t ‘the decision maker.’

Once the pro-and-con list is completed, one then goes back to weigh the pros-and-cons on each side of the list.

For example, if a pro of the decision to go live in Spain is that its sunny many days there, and living somewhere where its sunny a lot is very important to me, that element gets more weight in my decision making process. In essence, its more important. So, I star it with one or more stars, to represent how important it is to me.

The reality is that you can have several items on the list on one side, and one or two on the other, but if the two on the other are starred, or are more heavily weighted, (more important) then that affects your decision differently.

Another thing I love about a weighted pros and cons list is that it gets everything out on paper where its visible for you to see. That is an important step in decision making - collecting as much information as you can, processing it and reflecting on it.

The idea is that you can see a little bit more clearly about what is important to you, based on the weights, and that can help you process the information you have about the decision at hand, and come to the decision that feels most genuine and connected to who you are. That can help you see what life might be like in each situation, and decide which things are most important to you, and thus, what might be the best decision for you.

The other thing I’ll mention is that in my process of making decisions in the past, alongside the pros and cons list, is that I didn't ignore things I knew to be true about myself. So, for example, if it was a job opportunity as a nanny, but with a family in north Atlanta, I didn't even spend time interviewing, because I knew myself enough to know I was not about to spend so much of my life sitting in traffic. I knew that made me miserable and I didn't want to do it, so I didn’t compromise.

I also knew that I preferred to work with girls, and I didn’t want to work more than 30 hours a week. I didn't even consider jobs that didn’t fall within that category. I respected and honored myself, who I knew myself to be, in the process of the decision making. This is one of the number one ways to cast off a life of resentment, frustration and of doing things because you “have to.”

I also shoot to remember that I can only make the best decision I can in the moment that I make it, with the information I have in the moment. Looking back on a decision when you have new information and regretting it, saying “if I had only known…” isn’t helpful. You did the best you could at the time of the decision with the information you had. And that’s it. And that’s okay. That’s all one can do.

I want to invite you to give weighted pro-and-con lists a shot when you are faced with your next big decision, and see if it helps. And, I hope this post has been helpful. I would love to see your comments below!

With love and humanity,

Lacey Delayne